“I have been in a trance all day. In and out of enjoying the world today. I could not remember if Mondays were weigh in or Tuesdays. I didn’t sleep well today. I am feeling okay. I am at the point where I do want this disease to be gone. I want the feelings and emotions to stop. I want the voices to stop. I am bigger [stronger] than this.” – March 25th, 2013
Journal entries days before this were horrendous. I was filled with rage and anger. I did not see why I was in a residential treatment facility. I begged my counselor to let me leave. I cried over breakfast, lunch, dinner and the multiple snack times. I cursed every time I had to use the washroom. I was still actively engaging in my purging behaviors. I hated the washroom support and that it made it much more difficult. I was told if I was not willing to participate in the program I would have to leave.
“I am filthy, dirty and discusting… I am unloveable. I do not want to wake up tomorrow.” – March 20th, 2013
“I tried to purge. I do not understand who would eat ice cream at 9:30 pm. I cannot expect that they would try to make me eat that. I cannot do this. I hate myself for eating it. I hate myself. I can feel my body growing and my skin tighten. I want to be rid this body.” – March 22nd, 2013
“This morning I sat with the nurses and doctor and mental heath support workers. They told me that if I do not start engaging in the program that I will be asked to leave. I will not be allowed back into the program. I am pissed they would do this, can they not see I need help, why would they kick someone out that needs help…. I need help? WTF! – March 24th, 2013
I can remember my session with my counselor on March 25th, 2013. She asked how I was and tears began to flow like waterfalls from my face. “I need help.” as I collapsed to the ground.
March 25th, 2013 was the utmost life changing day of my life.